The Zhao Family

2019 flew by so fast compared to last few years. It was like a blur.

I just want to write down what I am thankful for. A lot of ups and downs, changes happened in 2019.

I truly believe in growing mindset. I believe we can change and we needs to change and improve constantly in order to be better. Be kinder, be smarter, be happier. I am thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the atonement. Even though I constantly made mistakes, I wake up the next day and I think of ways that I can improve and learn from people around me.

The biggest challenge in 2019 was dealing with depression. Not my own, but who I love dearly. I did not realize the damage I created last 10-15 years until I saw the pain in my son. The lost of hope in life, the belief that one was not wanted in this life.

I immediately prayed for help, asked for help, read to get help. I tried to understand what I did wrong and what caused this unhappiness in my child. Alot of tears were shredded. Alot of arguments and reflections on my part. My eyes were opened to things I never thought about.

What is the most important in this life for me? for my family? what is considered success? I grew up in the culture of academic success and pushing for excellence. What is good enough?

Expressing my unconditional love was a priority. Learning to let go and put trust in teenager was hard for me. But I learn to trust them even I know they will fail, but I need to believe they can climb back up and provide help when is needed. The older we are, the harder we want to get out of our comfort zone. We wants no change because changing is uncomfortable. I learn to trust and cheer on the sideline instead of pushing and forcing. Still learning slowly but I hope I can help them to find out who they are.

Setting goals also remind me the importance to put the Lord first. My primary goal for 2020 will be helping the kids to get a testimony of Book of Mormon, help them to recognize the Holy Ghost, learn how to receive personal revelations. Trust in themselves that they have divine potential to be good and serve others with their abilities.

It is the goodness in them make them shine. Not the straight As or perfect SAT score. The kindness and love that they emulated.

I am so grateful for Da, who worked so hard for the family and love each of us so dearly. He has the best heart to serve others. When Jonathan asked him why helping so many different families. I also wondered before, but I learn that he loves them by serving them. He is in the Lord's errands. Not to get gain or payback in the future. Just the simple kindness in his heart even though he was crazy crazy crazy busy.

He always joked that everyone has a piece of his time. I am glad I still got the biggest piece of him. He is the better part of us.

Another things I learn or try at the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020 is to let the kids to make more decisions for themselves. After eight years with 4H Lucky Clover Club, the boys decided to move on to other things. Clayton decided to stop learning violin from Ms. Leslie. I am hoping they will continue with KCYBP and PVYO. I do believe this is a good time to see what trusting in the Lord will bring them.

I will focus on studying the scriptures with everyone and plan on trips to take them before Brennan finishes High School. Two years will fly by and I need to make sure we have time to spend as family. To create some everlasting memories before they move on to mission and college.

We can do HARD THINGS. We will have FAITH and TRUST in the Lord that as we read the scripture daily, we will get revelations and guideline from the Holy Ghost. We will be able to do God's errands.

I am grateful for my little family. For all the challenges in life that make me humble myself and rely on Heavenly Father. I am grateful for Da, who bear with me all the time even I am not the most reasonable person. I am grateful for the crazy brunch of crazy kids. Brennan has been wonderful helping out cooking. He understands more that I love him but will stay firm and kind at time of needed when he was not making the best choices. Clayton, the poor middle child, tried very hard to be good at school and everything. He is the peacemaker and sweetheart who will wash my stove just to make me happy. Cayleigh the loudest of all but also very sweet and kind. She loves to explore and create new things. Even though I am not used to touchy touchy. She is always ready to give out wet kisses and hugs.

Heavenly Father has blessed me so many ways. I will go and do the things that he asks me to do. Even though something it is overwhelming and I will ask myself how I can handle ALL these things. But HE always provides a way if I try my best.

I know HE lives and Jesus Christ is my Savior! I can do this! 2020 here we come!